Friday 2 May – Scene: Lucifer and Gabriel are in the Paradise Lost in York. Gabriel is drinking J2O, Lucifer cradles a Devil’s Advocate (1 shot Bacardi Limon Rum, 1 shot Triple Sec, 4 oz Cranberry Juice, 1 tbsp Grenadine, 3/4 oz Sweet and Sour Mix).
Gabriel: Well that was a load of old rubbish. Sounds like your music has finally reached a dead end.
Lucifer: Hey, the guys in the Roman bath were quite good, Highway 61. Trouble is, even I can’t listen to a whole evening of Dylan inspired songs. Although they did cover Carl Perkin’s Matchbox as arranged by Rory Gallagher, that was something. It’s too depressing. After a week of tormenting souls, I need “feel-good” music on a Friday night.
G: So we left the Bath and headed to The Terrace, but it wasn’t the band you thought was playing, was it?
L: Nah. My contacts, handstands in a pool of excrement for them, told me it was Free Spirit, a Free and Bad Company tribute band, now that would have been good. But instead we got 15% Proof, with vocals as flat as a pancake and about as much enthusiasm playing their songs as Mammon buying a round of drinks. L. ignites a glass of absinthe on the bar counter, nearly taking the eyebrows off a patron.
Landlord: Time gentlemen please!
G: I hear that there’s dissent in the ranks down below. What’s that all about?
L: All part of my Master Plan. The music scene in York has been getting a bit stale lately. You remember how we used to go to Fibbers and watch bands we’d never heard off, and some of them were really good. But that doesn’t happen anymore. Beelzebub (Lord of the Barflys) has been resting on his laurels so I’ve rattled the cage of Tim "Pan" Hornsby and he’s taking over the Stonebow Snooker Club and turning it into another music venue.
G: What will that be like?
Landlord: Drink up. Now!
L: Well, it’s a bit of a dungeon, being underground, so no additional soundproofing needed. It’s pretty big as well, capacity of 500, and areas can be partitioned off for running gigs of 2-300 people. Tim wants to call it The Duchess after the Leeds venue that he used to run. I reckon that’ll really liven things up.
G: So what else have you been up to this week?
L: I’ve got Boris installed as Mayor of London, Ken was doing a smashing job for me but Boris is just more fun. Sticking pins in Gordon Brown of course. I’ll be doing lots more of that over the weekend. On Saturday I’m making cheese scones and Eccles cakes, and icing my test wedding cake. Then on Sunday I expect to be watching Ronnie O’Sullivan behaving badly as he grinds down Ali Carter in the snooker World Domination Championship.
G: Hmmph! You get all the fun.
Grumpy landlord, fed up of calling Time, stalks to the other side of the bar, lifts the two angels by the scruff of their necks and ejects them from the premises.
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